when i was younger, i’ve been dreaming about my wedding day. i was wondering what will married life be… we know married couples who have a beautiful relationship and we want to be like them, or we see spoiled marriages and say “we’ll never make the same mistakes…”
we all have an idea of what
marriage is all about. we have dreams, hopes and expectations of what it will
look like. but we don’t really know until we’re there, do we?
there are so many things in
marriage i could have never fully imagined.
here are 7 things i have
learned about it:
1. marriage is very-very intimate
why did we get married? because
we wanted to share our lives with each other in a very intimate way. as humans
we yearn to be close to another, to be fully known, and despite this, to be
unconditionally loved. intimacy usually involves being honest with each other
and allowing yourself to be vulnerable. because you know your spouse well and
trust him/her not to hurt you. before marriage, i don’t think i grasped the
real intimacy that comes with committing to this one person for the rest of my
life. marriage is an amazing opportunity to allow another person a look inside
your life, your mind, your heart and your very soul. now that is true intimacy.
2. marriage reveals selfishness
i didn’t know how selfish i
was until i got married. things like apologizing and putting peter’s needs before
my own are not so easy. it may seem difficult to put your needs aside and focus
entirely on your spouse’s, but that trust and commitment is what will
strengthen your relationship and allow you to feel and express love. this idea
works best if both spouses are serving each other equally. my own saying about
marriage is: ‘a good marriage is made up of a thousand small kindnesses.’
3. oneness literally means one
of all the mysteries of
marriage, oneness strikes me as the deepest and most beautiful. one house. one
bed. one bathroom. one mirror above the bathroom sink. one bank account. one
budget… in marriage, you learn to let go of the “mine and yours” mentality,
because everything is truly “ours.” there’s something really hard, but something
really beautiful about that.
recently i talked to an
engaged couple who described their relationship in delighted tones: "it's
as if we're on the same wavelength about everything! we think the same way,
have the same way of doing things, share the same dreams. it's amazing!" …i
think, if this is oneness, it won't last. true oneness is based on the
differences. one partner is a man, the other a woman, and that's just the
beginning. one is sociable, the other reclusive; one likes a thick quilt for
sleeping, the other a light blanket. and so on… how can two such opposites ever
be one? might as well ask how a glove fits a hand. oneness arises from
differences fitting together, from contrasts corresponding.
4. at some point, you will be disappointed
this one was a hard
reality. my husband and i love each other deeply, but sometimes we also hurt
each other deeply. when you allow someone to bury their heart in yours, there’s
no doubt that one day, you will feel an ache. whether in the form of an unkind
word, a thoughtless action or a selfish moment, marriage will hurt. each wound
is a reminder of our need to love better and more deeply.
5. you will learn the meaning of forgiveness
the truth is, you lose a
part of yourself within the glory of marriage. you exchange a little bit of who
you are for a little bit of who your spouse is. you learn to give and take. you
learn to let go of the things that don’t really matter. and in the end, you
realize what you’ve given is far less than what you’ve ultimately received. love
is good like that.
6. marriage will require you to learn how to communicate
no matter what your
communication bent, marriage will require you to take a good hard look at your
opinions, beliefs, ideas and feelings - and share them with another. it will
cause you to answer the hard questions and speak the difficult truths. communication
is the lifeline between two people. it will cause you to take responsibility
for not just what you say, but how you say it - tone, body language, sarcasm
and all. i have to admit, it’s very hard for me, i have still so much to learn.
(i’m planning to write a post about this topic…)
7. love isn’t just a feeling, it’s a series of decisions
before marriage, you wear pink
glasses and pink headphones… it seems to you that your feelings are getting
stronger with each day. then one day you realize that feelings can’t really be
trusted, because some days you feel you may not even like each other. feelings
come, but feelings also go. the test of real love is what you do when you don’t
feel like loving. marriage is constantly choosing to love, to give and to serve
because of the commitment you have made. it’s choosing the other instead of
choosing yourself. and here comes selflessness – you have to serve each other
equally.
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