HAPPY MARRIAGE: THE LITTLE THINGS THAT MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

my man wants to be a great husband but sometimes he doubts himself and needs appreciation. if i make my husband feel appreciated, i get the most from him in return.

 

for her new book, the surprising secrets of highly happy marriages: the little things that make a big difference, author shaunti feldhahn studied more than 1,000 married couples to find out what the happiest ones had in common.

according to feldhahn's research, five simple gestures can lead to marital bliss.

notice his effort and sincerely thank him for it.

"most of us think grateful thoughts but don't actually say thank you," feldhahn says. "in my survey, this mattered to nearly all men, with 72 percent saying it deeply pleased them when their wife or girlfriend gave them props for their hard work. in fact, 'thank you' appeared to be the guy's equivalent of 'i love you.'"

tell him he did a great job.

if saying thank you will warm his heart, saying 'you did a great job' will melt him. inside that oh-so-confident manly exterior, they are still those young boys anxiously hoping their mom likes the vase they made at school. complimenting a man on a job well done has a huge emotional impact.

talk about what a great guy he is.

feeling inadequate is excruciating to a man. never let him hear you complain about him to friends or family. instead, when you're out at dinner with other couples, tell them how he pulled off an amazing surprise party for your birthday, or gush about how he always takes the kids out on saturday mornings so you can sleep in. he may act like it's no big deal, but on the inside he loves it.

let him know that you want him—and that he pleases you.

"you probably won't be shocked when i tell you that men love sex," feldhahn says. "but you may be surprised to know a main reason is emotional, not physical. in a very deep way, a guy needs to know that his wife desires him. even better, he wants to know that he pleases her. so don't just be willing - be enthusiastic. even simply initiating sex once in a while says 'i want you' and touches your husband far more than physically."

let him know he makes you happy.

"eighty-eight percent of the guys said that it melted their hearts when their wife expressed that he made her happy," says feldhahn. how to do it: "a big smile when he walks in the door, a spontaneous hug when he says something sweet, or even saying 'you make me happy' tells him he's doing well at this relationship thing - and makes him want to do even better."

 

marriage advice for husbands:

 

hold her hand.

it seems like such a simple gesture - something that couldn't possibly matter that much. but it does matter. holding a woman's hand subconsciously communicates that your relationship is in a good spot and that you're feeling connected to her. so reach for her hand while you're crossing the parking lot - and say a lot without saying a word.

 

send a message that you're thinking of her.

the next time you're checking sports scores on your phone (under your desk, out of the boss's line of vision), take a second to text or email your wife. it says she's on your mind even when your mind is on a million other things during the day. women feel extra loved when their husband or boyfriend takes the time to quickly text 'thinking about how much i love you' or a similar message.

pull yourself out of a funk instead of withdrawing.

there are some times when a man needs space, but be careful how far you pull away. your 'mood' doesn't impact just you: it can make your wife or girlfriend feel insecure about how you feel. making an effort to pull yourself out of that funk and not giving her the cold shoulder reassures your wife at a very deep level.

 

physically connect with her in public.

next time you're out at dinner with friends, put your arm around your wife, or rest one hand on her knee. women love this type of gesture—it says, 'i love that you're mine.'

 

tell her she's beautiful.

never assume your wife knows that you think she's beautiful. women need to hear it, it has a big emotional impact. sure, it's always nice to receive a compliment, but a compliment from you means something much deeper. plus, when someone speaks positively to you, it makes you more positive toward the other person.'

 

www.glamour.com

SEVEN SECRETS ABOUT MARRIAGE.

when i was younger, i’ve been dreaming about my wedding day. i was wondering what will married life be… we know married couples who have a beautiful relationship and we want to be like them, or we see spoiled marriages and say “we’ll never make the same mistakes…”

we all have an idea of what marriage is all about. we have dreams, hopes and expectations of what it will look like. but we don’t really know until we’re there, do we?

there are so many things in marriage i could have never fully imagined.

here are 7 things i have learned about it:

1. marriage is very-very intimate

why did we get married? because we wanted to share our lives with each other in a very intimate way. as humans we yearn to be close to another, to be fully known, and despite this, to be unconditionally loved. intimacy usually involves being honest with each other and allowing yourself to be vulnerable. because you know your spouse well and trust him/her not to hurt you. before marriage, i don’t think i grasped the real intimacy that comes with committing to this one person for the rest of my life. marriage is an amazing opportunity to allow another person a look inside your life, your mind, your heart and your very soul. now that is true intimacy.

2. marriage reveals selfishness

i didn’t know how selfish i was until i got married. things like apologizing and putting peter’s needs before my own are not so easy. it may seem difficult to put your needs aside and focus entirely on your spouse’s, but that trust and commitment is what will strengthen your relationship and allow you to feel and express love. this idea works best if both spouses are serving each other equally. my own saying about marriage is: ‘a good marriage is made up of a thousand small kindnesses.’

3. oneness literally means one

of all the mysteries of marriage, oneness strikes me as the deepest and most beautiful. one house. one bed. one bathroom. one mirror above the bathroom sink. one bank account. one budget… in marriage, you learn to let go of the “mine and yours” mentality, because everything is truly “ours.” there’s something really hard, but something really beautiful about that.

recently i talked to an engaged couple who described their relationship in delighted tones: "it's as if we're on the same wavelength about everything! we think the same way, have the same way of doing things, share the same dreams. it's amazing!" …i think, if this is oneness, it won't last. true oneness is based on the differences. one partner is a man, the other a woman, and that's just the beginning. one is sociable, the other reclusive; one likes a thick quilt for sleeping, the other a light blanket. and so on… how can two such opposites ever be one? might as well ask how a glove fits a hand. oneness arises from differences fitting together, from contrasts corresponding.

4. at some point, you will be disappointed

this one was a hard reality. my husband and i love each other deeply, but sometimes we also hurt each other deeply. when you allow someone to bury their heart in yours, there’s no doubt that one day, you will feel an ache. whether in the form of an unkind word, a thoughtless action or a selfish moment, marriage will hurt. each wound is a reminder of our need to love better and more deeply.

5. you will learn the meaning of forgiveness

the truth is, you lose a part of yourself within the glory of marriage. you exchange a little bit of who you are for a little bit of who your spouse is. you learn to give and take. you learn to let go of the things that don’t really matter. and in the end, you realize what you’ve given is far less than what you’ve ultimately received. love is good like that.

6. marriage will require you to learn how to communicate

no matter what your communication bent, marriage will require you to take a good hard look at your opinions, beliefs, ideas and feelings - and share them with another. it will cause you to answer the hard questions and speak the difficult truths. communication is the lifeline between two people. it will cause you to take responsibility for not just what you say, but how you say it - tone, body language, sarcasm and all. i have to admit, it’s very hard for me, i have still so much to learn. (i’m planning to write a post about this topic…)

7. love isn’t just a feeling, it’s a series of decisions

before marriage, you wear pink glasses and pink headphones… it seems to you that your feelings are getting stronger with each day. then one day you realize that feelings can’t really be trusted, because some days you feel you may not even like each other. feelings come, but feelings also go. the test of real love is what you do when you don’t feel like loving. marriage is constantly choosing to love, to give and to serve because of the commitment you have made. it’s choosing the other instead of choosing yourself. and here comes selflessness – you have to serve each other equally.