before our marriage, we lived in a long distance relationship. i must admit that this thing was not easy. but we have found that there are keys to keeping the romance alive, if both parties are willing and determined to make it work.
once i wrote a post abou long distance relationships on my old blog. i would like to share it with you. it may help those who are in long distance relationships but also those in "ordinary" relationships...
if you follow these advices, you will be on the road to making your relationship last.
- define your relationship
one of the first things you should do with your long-distance sweetheart is to agree on what the relationship will be going forward: both of you want a real and solid love affair? determining limits is one of the most inportant things. it will help ground the two of you if you know the boundaries of your relationship. - dont´s for any LDR
1. don’t rush things.
you have only been together with your long distance boyfriend/gf for a week or a month, and you think he/she should be okay with your high expectations? rather be patient.
2. don’t expect your bf/gf to always be reachable.
don´t panic if they don’t answer their phone - it doesn’t mean it is a giveaway that your partner is cheating or ignoring you. he/she might be too busy to answer the phone or the phone is in a different room and your partner doesn’t hear it.
3. don’t put yourself in situations where cheating might actually be tempting.
although people in long distance relationships don’t cheat any more than people in same city relationships, cheating continues to be a big concern in LDRs. don’t hang around others that you know are into you or that you were interested in before you started dating your long distance bf/gf. don´t put yourself in any situation that might be suspicious if your gf/bf found out about it. you will save yourself a lot of trouble.
4. don’t lie.
tell your gf/bf where are you going out and with who, tell the truth about why you didn´t answer their phone, etc. lies are mostly come to light and then you may seem untrustworthy.
5. don’t let them control your life, and don’t control theirs.
for example, if you do not want to go to study to a school which is nearer to you bf/gf home, then don´t go just because he/she begs for that. or don´t want your bf/gf to do nice things for you. do nice things for them first. don’t make them do them. make them WANT to do them.
6. do not have a “break.”
i personally don't think having a break helps any relationship. nothing gets "fixed" and you return to the relationship with the same issues because you didn't work on them together; all you did was avoid them. problems have to be sorted out together… not apart. being able to successfully work out problems is a test for every relationship, and something you need to be able to do as a couple. - trust each other don´t distrust someone, unless they have given you a reason to not trust them. have they cheated on you before? if not, then trust them. it´s that simple.
- respect your partner
many people aren’t showing their partner as much respect as they should be.
when the relationship is suffering, the feelings of the partner are overlooked, and you are only thinking about yourself - all you say is “me, me, me, me…” you may expect your partner to fulfill your every need and you feel that it is their right. now listen, your partner is only human they can only do so much and it would be impossible for them to meet your every expectation. they have lives outside of your relationship, just as you do, or should. when you feel you have been wronged in some way in your relationship, have an open mind – try to see things from your partner’s point of view. how would you feel if you were on the other side? you may come to realize that you may react or do the same as them, or at least you will be able to understand why they react they way they do. many times people will feel that their boyfriend or girlfriend does not care about them as much as they used to. this could be for various reasons. when their phone conversations become limited or short, people will feel that their bf/gf do not want to talk; they are the ones that stopped doing special things. but maybe they just feel there is not much to talk about and when they do get on the phone with you, you yourself don’t have much to say. maybe they stopped doing special things, because you don’t hardly ever return the favor.
always take into consideration your partner’s feelings. you need to respect their their feelings before you attack them with words such as, “you don’t care about me anymore.” that can really hurt. so think about them next time and respect their feelings, by recognizing them and trying to do something about it, instead of expecting them to. - be patient
this one is tough! i personally am not a patient girl, and one of the hardest things for me in my LDR has been the waiting. i recommend that you find things to do here at home to occupy your time. if your career or your studies do not keep you busy enough, find a new hobby or maybe get involved in some volunteer work. the key is to avoid weighing down your long-distance conversations with whining or unrealistic demands because you are bored or missing the other person. - give encouragement
this one is so important. when you are in a LDR you may miss the supporting kisses or hugs from you loved one. so your partner does. therefore it is important to support your other half at least with encouraging words. it really helps a lot. i used to encourage my fiance when he is tired of studying or he doesn´t believe in himself. i´m learning to admire him as many times as possible. i´m also trying to let him know i am proud of him. he helps me a lot, too. when i was down, and unsuccessfully trying to prepare for my exams, it makes him feel good to be able to assist me. also he always encourages me when things aren´t going well, because he´s a big optimist.
encouragement, assistance and praise work well over email, too. it's also a good idea to "smile over the phone" as much as possible. a good mood from you on days when your partner may be feeling especially needy can make both of you feel better. (thats one thing i´m no table to do when i´m in a bad mood. it´s sad...) - do things to make your partner feel special
try to think of something you can do everyday to show your partner that you care. this can be as little as saying “i love you.” or, “i love talking to you.” or even, “you make me happy.” those little things will make them feel great and it will give them reassurance. - keep learning about each other
do you feel sometimes you just don’t know what to talk about anymore? keeping the spark can be hard to do once a relationship’s newness has worn off. long distance couples use the phone/webcam a lot and have written hundreds of emails. what more can there possibly be to talk about? i can assure you, that there are things you don’t know about your partner, and you just haven’t realized it yet.
sometimes our phone calls with p. were boring because we didn’t know what to say, except for the usual things going on in our lives. at the beginning of our relationship we were having interesting, intellectual debates, lasting long hours (9 hrs the longest) but nowadays because of the lack of time we ended to have such conversations.
we found and downloaded an e-book, called 1000 Questions for Couples. i read some comments about it, and many people said it helped them tremendously. we haven´t discussed any of the questions yet, but as i saw, once they might be very useful and i think some of the questions might give us hours of conversation. :) - plan for a future don’t enter a long distance relationship if you aren’t willing to have your life changed drastically. a relationship cannot remain long distance forever. a couple that has entered a long distance relationship must agree that they are in a committed relationship.
- communicate at a regular, but reasonable frequency some couples will talk for several hours per day. that isn’t right for everyone, in fact, that is quite extreme. but communicating once every couple of weeks is also extreme. if you can, try to communicate on a daily basis, and then figure out a reasonable amount of time you can each spend on the phone. some people’s lives may be busier than others, so the amount of communication in relationship can vary. consider not just your own schedule, but also your partner’s. at least call each day to say “goodnight.”
- don’t be afraid to show you’re afraid don’t be afraid to share insecurities or ask the questions you want to ask. communication should be open. your boyfriend/girlfriend is the best person to answer your questions or give you reassurance about any insecurity you may have about your relationship.
- don’t forget you have a life
for some personalities, it can be easy to become consumed by your relationship. long distance relationships can consume a good amount of your time, but don’t lose your connections with other people in the process. make sure your long distance love life is balanced with your everyday life at home. it’s okay to tell friends “no” every once in a while when they ask you to go out with them if you are planning to spend time with your long distance boyfriend/girlfriend, but don’t say no every time. At the same time, don’t always choose your friends over your bf/gf. - do have date nights
set aside time for a date night every week. watch a movie together, eat the same meal, find things to do to interact online, or just chat it up for a longer amount of time than usual. just because you’re far away doesn’t mean you can’t have a date. - other things you can do…
send a handwritten letter, email a picture of yourself to them, send a small gift, take an interest in their interests. for example, maybe you saw an article online that you think they would enjoy reading. send it to them! having constant reassurance that you care about them and think about them all the time will mean a lot. this is something so simple to do. it’s actually so simple that once a couple feels comfortable and settled in their relationship they tend to forget how important it is to do these little things for their partner. - lastly…remember the reason you are in this relationship. you love each other! and if you have love, then you can’t let distance destroy that. if you can overcome this, and make it to a point where you can finally live in the same home, then you will be able to overcome many other challenges you may face in the future. so for now, enjoy the small but great benefits that long distance can offer to your relationship including sweet reunions and better communication.
xoxo
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